Monday, November 5, 2007

The SURE-FIRE Weight Loss Secret Revealed!!

Welcome back to I Blog Fat. I really appreciate all the feedback here on the blog and in my mailbox. In a future blog, I will reveal just how emotional these fatties can get. It ranges from hilarious to pathetic to scary. But, it's always interesting. What these fat boys always seem to lose sight of is how much effort they put into to defending how hard weight loss can be. How difficult shedding some pounds is for them. They work so hard at shielding themselves from criticism and living in denial, you have to wonder how much weight they could lose if they put the same effort into a little exercise or a real diet.

But, fellow fat haters, as you may have seen, much of my feedback is about how mean and hurtful people like us are. I try to explain that, although I love tearing it up here and having fun, part of me really wants to help. I mean, of course, the "nice" people out there never stare at obese people or have never made fun of the jelly rolls that flop around as the fatty in McDonalds tries to squeeze into the normal size chairs. Noooo, it's only us "mean" people - and I am often told this blog takes it too far. So, to prove my underlying concern for the fat community, I offer here a program I originally intended to sell and use to get rich. Fat people love to buy fat reduction products (wait until you see the upcoming blog named "Weight Loss Tools," it should be a classic!)... fatties spend kajillions on weight loss products.

But, here today, I will give away ...yes, for free... the Super Duper Diet Solution. If you thought I went too far before, you might want to sit down (of course if you are a fatso, you're already sitting down, right?).

The Super Duper Diet Solution [Option One]

Step1: Take a picture of yourself and put it on the fridge next to a picture of a starving child. [free samples included]

Step2: Place a large jug of cold water in the refridge.

Step3: Next time you need a cupcake, stare at the picture for 30 seconds, rub your fat rolls, drink 16oz of water, and get freakin real.

See? Three easy steps to success! I am prepared for outrage and anger and messages attacking me with how dare you use such images in a humor column! Let me answer this up front: You are the offensive one if you're fat and offended by these pictures or this site. I want YOU to explain to ME how you can view these pictures and then give me some sob story about how hard it is to lose weight. How unfair it is that your boss brought in Krispy Kreme again or how your wife undermines your efforts. Come on! Sure, we joke here and there is some great stuff coming in future blogs, but when you email me telling me how hard it is to avoid food, I go nuts. When I read articles and blogs labeled, "How to Drink More Water," I go crazy.

How do you drink more water?
Are you kidding me? I'll tell you how to drink more water - walk your fat ass to the kitchen sink and fill a fucking cup with some cold water and put it down your fat neck. That's how. I just used 25 words to explain what Oprah or Prevention Magazine says in a 3 page column and charges $5 for the privilege. I'm sick of it and I believe you are too. Yes, its outragous and heartbreaking to see a photo like that. I actually skipped using some Holocaust photos because they were just so gruesome. But if you are going comment how awful I am for posting pics like this, you better explain to me where the flaw in the plan in. These starving people would KILL for the opportunity the average USA fatty wastes sitting on his or her couch, eating chips and watching Jerry Springer. Then, fatty will surf the web searching for tips on how to drink more water or, worse, will post a message somewhere about how hard it is to find will power. I stand by it - print out this picture, post it on your refridge and stare at it ever time you wonder how hard it is to enjoy water; every time you wonder how you'll find the will power to skip a freaking Oreo.

Note: if you want to trash us here for posting this picture, note it was taken from (http://www.episcopalchurch.org/hires-image/mother_and_child_starving_bw.jpg)
so please contact them as well with your complaints about using such images.

Next up: The Super Duper Diet Solution [Option Two]

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

The moment I read your blog I knew I found a winner. I subscribed right away. What an awesome blog! I thought the last one was funny and smart, but this new rant is fucking right on!!!!! Good job man keep it up. I am part of the blog fat army!!!! Keep them coming!! john

Marvin said...

I see Fat People. Walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're Fat. All the time. They're everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Woman I work (fat) everyday at lunch time she comes over to see what I'm eating..

"Hey honey what are you eating today?" Or "Good you're eating, you're too shinny"... OMg...

I think she's going to eat me one day...

One time I hid in the bathroom to eat. *sobs*

Useless man said...

Being a former fattie, I can attest to the test of wills it takes to lose the weight. But it is worth it.

An your plan, while extreme, might just work. It is the daily choices that make or break a person and their ability to lose weight. I didn't gain it all in one day, and I didn't lose it all in one day. Time, patience and will power is what it takes.

Oh, and promises of intimate encounters when I hit certain milestones.

So, time, patience, will-power, and the reward of sex.

Cheers!

William Fatner said...

USELESS MAN: You have it right. Sex should be a great motivation for fatties, but sadly it usually isn't enough. Fat people are stuck in the moment and would rather eat a package of Double Stuffs today than eat pussy in eight months. I will have to break down the psychology of fatsos in the future, but for now I will tell you that obese people rarely plan for the future. They live in the moment; they need to feed their food fix, as bad as a junkie needs a needle. So, telling a fattie that if he skips that Double Whopper he'll be more desirable later is like telling Crackhead Bob if he skips his next hit, he might be able to live a normal life. Neither believes it's true for them.

William Fatner said...

Anonymous: Sadly I've heard this story before. In fact, most of us have had a fattie give us that BS that we need to "eat more." That shit was OK for Grandma to say, but when fattie tells you, it's clearly code for "please God be fat like me so I don't feel so bad about myself."

Thanks, keep the comments coming.

William Fatner said...

Marvin: I'm hope you are the Marvin who works a few cubes away because you need help. You are obese. You need to read this blog and get your act together. I bet you ate a bucket of popcorn at the "Sixth Sense" -- and when they upsold you for .25 cents more, you jumped on the XXL Coke and the bag of M&Ms.

In fact, speaking of Marvin's, check a future blog for a great "Fat Marvin" story. Here's a hint: it involves a fat guy and Levis jeans. First person to guess the connection wins a prize (email me at iblogfat@yahoo.com).

William Fatner said...

John: Wow, the "I Blog Fat" Army! I love it! A war of normal people vs. obese? Easy, just air drop Turkey, mashed, and extra gravy on their troops and come back when the fatties are napping.

Marvin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marvin said...

Fat people symbolizes greatness, royalty and wealth in many cultures!!

-Free you mind and the Fat will follow!!

William Fatner said...

Marvin: Yes, in places where they worship cows!

Marvin said...

Every time I eat a burger at Wendys, I’m worshiping a cow! As so everyone else! Cows rule! Mooooooo

Anonymous said...

marvin- hahahaha :D thanks for the laugh. people who find this stuff offensive need to lighten up, there's a lot to be offended about in the world but personal appearance isn't one of them.

Anonymous said...

Hey.
You're actually doing a great thing.
I haven't eaten in five days and I feet great.
I've lost a stone.
Thanks Will!