Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Your Questions Answered!

Hello again normal people. And fatties too. We recently gave you a homework assignment: submit your questions and we'd answer anything. Your questions are not limited to issues about all things fat, but we weren't surprised to see the first question we received was a weight loss question. Great! So, let's get to it! (note: I will publish these mostly unedited and will definitely not correct spelling or grammar unless you ask for help!)

Dear I Blog Fat: I laughed my ass off when I read your blog about hating fat people. You know how they say LOL well I really did laugh out loud more than one when reading your messages. I have noticed that you are not the asshole you try to portay. already you are switching from jokes to actually trying to help (iblogfat note: really, you think?! and will this guy ever get to the point!?) and make people think! I do have a question for you but I am not sure you will answer. Here it my question. The african picture was funny, but do you have real advice on how a fat person like me can lose wieght? Thanks, keep it up, Fat and laughing in Jersey

Dear Fat and Laughing: Before we make you cry by attacking your stinky fatness, let's first say thanks for the message. You are right, I would prefer to crack wise and make you all laugh instead of wasting time trying to teach fatties how to lose the extra lard they carry on their disgusting bodies. The sad reality is that there is so much information explaining how to lose weight that it's probably the dumbest question you could send. Really? You need me to tell you how to lose weight? You don't know the steps to take to shed pounds? How about this: cut back on the liters of Pepsi you drink before the sun goes down. How about eating just one cookie instead of the whole box? Come on now, you know this. All fatties know.

This is exactly the problem I've been trying to express here in this blog. Fat people spend so much time trying to convince themselves and others how difficult it is to lose weight. It's not. You may think my ideas on this blog were humorous, which is great for the normal people reading along with you, but for you fatties, you better take my advice -- and soon. Lose your fat now or die sooner than you should. Simple! The diets I posted were perfect. Each time you want to eat a food high in calories or fat, think of that starving child. Whenever you want to overindulge, imagine losing a million dollars the moment you take that bite. Or, best of all, picture your own coffin and the extra expense for your family trying to buy an XXXL casket. Remember Nike? Just do it, fatso.

We actually do have the secret IBlogFat diet plan that shows you exactly how to lose weight quickly. It's not free. You have to trade us something. Be creative. Make us an offer. Right now I'm looking for fat stories from real fat guys and girls. Tell us something that would shock/amuse/disgust us about your fatness. Or maybe some naked pictures of your fat wife. Better yet, naked pictures of your NOT FAT wife! Bottom line: if you want this real, sure fire diet solution, you'll have to offer us something good. What's it gonna be, fatty?

For the rest of you normal people: Thanks for reading. Keep the emails and comments coming. You guys are doing a great job.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I work for Rosie ODonnell and she wants to trade you tit shots for the fat blog diet. DO IT DO IT

Anonymous said...

There is nothing like a little hate to get you going in the morning.

Anonymous said...

You ever wonder if fat people could pick sex or food which they would pick?

Anonymous said...

I THINK I LOVE YOU GUYS! WHAT A FUCKING GREAT SITE. ALMOST AS GOOD AS http://beingfive.blogspot.com/ !

Anonymous said...

I like when Tyra wears fat suits!

Anonymous said...

I don't hate fat people, but I hate that people are fat.
What does that mean?

William Fatner said...

Anonymous: True, true. Your question is a great mystery. Similar to: Could God make a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

It's a little like how we hate Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, but would still sleep with them.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of banging Spears Who is the hottest fat celeb?

Anonymous said...

They would have to pick food, everytime because normal people won't have sex with them and fat people can't have it with each other -- their equipment can't reach. Also, sex requires exercise and stamina. Fat people are fat because of their complete aversion to both!